01/29 self-help

逐渐从上周的不开心中恢复过来了。有帮助的事物和想法包括：

－－出门见人；或制造不期而遇，进行善意谈话的机会
－－有节律、不需要自己驾驶的交通工具如公交和火车。其实我也像小孩子一样，晃着晃着就会感到安全
－－天气意外转暖，每天白天推着她出门散步。开始注意人行道路面的好坏，摸索出一些可靠不会太颠簸的路线
－－想再冷了以后，就背着她等一趟公交车出门吃午饭
－－出差一天，早起晚归。虽然累，但通过与他者的对话感到自己尚不至于荒废。另外，乘城际快车回程，旁边坐着的都是表情木然的成功人士，全程开着电脑回邮件，一副生无可恋的模样，顿时觉得自己其实并不太惨
－－意识到沉浸于“我不是一个好妈妈”所带来的恐惧是对性别不公平的一种可耻妥协
－－女儿忽然开始学会自己入睡。在情绪稳定的前提下，会晃脑袋，揉眼睛，然后四肢舒展，悠然进入梦乡。看着她就意识到我也应该唤醒同样的技能
－－女儿缠绵多时的尿布疹（diaper rash）终于好转
－－累了就不做饭
－－少看手机，少上网查阅不相干的育儿经
……

人间的悲欢就像潮涨潮落。饥饿而哭泣、饱足而喜悦、然后疲惫而哭泣、然后睡去再安稳。小婴儿每三四个小时就经历一轮，长大了周期更长些，但起落的本质不变。怎么可能凡事都有得无失，报喜忘忧？

01/20 PPD

1. Post-partum depression (PPD) is real.
   - But it does not quite end as the body recovers from the initial aftermath of childbirth. Rather, it becomes more menacing as far as the mind knows that your body is doing just fine, leaving no excuse for your feeling awful at the same time, incapable of action.


2. PPD tends to happen when the mother feels that her pain and effort are under-appreciated and not reciprocated by other members of her household.
   - But it is actually not easy as well when your spouse is acting in the most most considerate and compassionate way. You cannot blame anyone else for your feeling awful. While. doing. nothing. to help.


3. PPD is not just a self-contained thing. It awakens all of your self-doubts in the past, and amplifies them. It throws into relief, in the honest reaction of the child, your ineffective communication of feelings, misjudgments over your own worth, and your feeble pride. It is frustrating and scary at the same time, for you know that the child cannot lie. If you smile at her without meaning it, she knows it right away and cries.


4. One smallest mistake can trigger PPD for a whole day. It happens 2-3 times a week, and I'm talking about a good week.